TWLOHA Day

So today is To Write Love on Her Arms Day. I wrote the word love on my arms because many people have addictions and pain they cannot deal with so they inflict pain on themselves, on their arms or with drug abuse. Instead of cutting, we write Love on our arms to show the world that we care and make them aware of this growing problem in today's screwy society. Most people cannot find healing and struggle forever until something snaps.
I was able to find healing in the Lord and for that i am forever grateful.

New Sunrise

So life has been amazing lately...sure I have schoolwork that gets on my nerves. Especially spanish, it's only the teacher but she drives me crazy!
I register for classes on wednesday and I already know one class time that I hope to get in because my best friend is in that class and I want to be in there so I some more incentive to go even though I wouldn't not go.
My boyfriend is amazing; I find more out about him each and everyday and we become more comfortable around each other each day which is optimistic. It has only been a short time but I feel like I have known him for so much longer. I am scared when he meets my mom which is in two weeks when she comes to pick me up for Thanksgiving....I get to go home in 15 days! I am very excited because I haven't been home since I moved in here and I haven't seen my sister since moving in here...sure I have talked with her on Skype but I want to see her in person because she is my other half and understands me for the most part.
I know my mom will love him because he is doing better than the last boy which is a brownie point for him. I don't think they disliked the last one except for his tendency to not be on time which the current boy does not have and I love that about him. Everything is turning out for the better and I can only thank my lucky stars and the Lord that it has and hope that it will continue to be this good.

It's been awhile

So i realize that i haven't posted in a long long time but soo much has happened lately. Here is the condensed version.
Found a way of dealing with my crazy emotions, got closer to my best friend, became more outgoing and comfortable with people i don't know very well. turned 19, saw my parents, lots of homework...now for the big surprise.
this last tuesday, i had lunch with a very cute boy who i decided to start talking to but was sure he was too good for me. fell for him automatically and at dinner noticed how he was complimenting me. thursday, had lunch but missed him at dinner which stressed me out so my best friend called his friend and we coordinated to go play cards in his friend's room. she left and i was with them. we played cards then went to play some pool and he was obviously flirting so I was on cloud nine! later that night, heading back to the dorms I wanted to go to bed but he wouldn't let me and followed me to my room but i sensed something wasn't done yet. we talked for another hour and he likes me but there were four other girls who had made their intentions known to him and he chose me! so friday we went on a date...
The Date:
He took me to a movie which was really gory but i chose it and regretted it soon after but it was early after the movie finished so he drove me into the mountains up to this overlook of the city, it was sooo romantic! it took my breath away. we talked for two hours and went back to campus but we weren't ready to leave yet. we stayed in his car in the parking garage for yet another hour and then he kissed me because i wanted a response to how i felt about him, whether he felt the same or not. the next day we hung out and did homework for an hour and hung out for two(bad ratio but it's all good)and he said that the kiss was an obvious sign and i understood he wanted to date me. i made him leave so i could process everything and after dinner, i said yes! so he is the best guy in the world, strong and protective but not jealous, thinks just like me and will treat me way better than the last one especially since i get to see him everyday and he is just two floors below me in the dorms. he is older but only by a year and 4 months(to be exact) and he is the first guy i am completely comfortable around and can tell almost anything to, very understanding, and very very very attractive! WOOHOO!!!!!

The lovely smells

so i have been noticing that my nose picks up smells more now. I pick out smells that remind me of home. right now it smells like missouri in the summer time when my sister and i would catch fireflies at night. Specifically at my grandma's house in the middle of nowhere, not at any of my other relatives houses...actually also my aunt's house when she used to live in a certain area before she moved.
Then it changed to the smell after a rain when the dirt was wet and i went running or for a walk in the woods.
In the mornings, it smells like home when i go out early in the morning during the winter on weekends to get the paper because i woke up before my parents and wanted those precious comics that would start my day off. sweet sweet smells of my past that i cherish sincerely and love to savor, stopping to look around and pause in my busy day, until my nose gets tired or i come back to reality.

A WhirlWind of a Week

So this week was crazy. At the beginning it was pretty calm academically, but social wise it was crazy.
my best friend had a lovely night with a boy i like who she is good friends with which sorta broke my heart so i yelled at her and she broke down. I then went to talk to the boy in question and he was a complete dick to me so i decided i didn't like him anymore because we don't have any of the same ideals. i talked to my guy friend about it and it helped.
The rest of the week proceeded smoothly until thursday when homework hit me like a ton of bricks. I stressed out and due to the lovely gift that mother earth bestows upon women, i had a panic attack and had to go to my friend's room for him to calm me down until it passed. I don't know where i would be without him, he completely relaxes me and i don't have to impress him because being myself does anyway and that's how i want to feel around my future husband but that goes without saying.
After so said panic attack, I hung out and when back to my room where i went to bed early and slept very well. Friday morning, I woke up early and went to breakfast, then wrote my english paper and got ready, all before 10am which made me feel good and productive. now i am less stressed but still homesick, hoping to deal with it somehow, praying to the Lord to help me which He has been doing a fabulous job of doing so far.
He has been answering my prayers left and right in ways i could not imagine. He is helping my bff with her boy problems and her roommate problems(she is moving out!) so i am very grateful.
Last night's dream was fabulous! It doesn't really make sense but it had two elements i love in it: puppies and a hot boy. The puppy turned into the hot boy but that's just the strange nature of dreams and i didn't care. I woke up far too soon for my liking but that's also the unfortunate nature of dreams. May the Lord bless each and everyone and help us all throughout our weekends and into the next week.

Curiosities

Ever wonder why there is always more shampoo than conditioner in a set? i do and i think it's upsetting but i don't really worry about it because it doesn't matter. It just always sparks my memory every time i take a shower and use shampoo and conditioner.
Last night was amazing! i was upset so i called up a friend and he was playing cards with friends so i went and joined and then we went to dinner where i had a fabulously intelligent conversation with another boy about politics and religion and the best part of that was that we totally don't agree at all but we weren't fighting, we were just debating and it was nice. Usually diverse opinions end up fighting, at least in my world.
Then i got changed and we went swimming which was a blast especially since two of the guys were very attractive but friendly and i finally relaxed and had lots of fun! i came out of my bubble for once and it was nice. then my friend came over and helped me rearrange my room which turned out to be impossible because there was only one possibility for furniture arrangement in my room as i soon found out but he didn't care as he helped me move it all back.
I got an early b-day present and watched some of The Patriot before going to bed. I'm going to continue to hang out with this boy because although i don't have any intention of dating him, he is fun to hang out with and i like his group of people because they have fun without getting drunk and going crazy, what a concept.
Thank you Lord for helping me find these amazing people!

Resisting it at all costs

So after my friend comforted me i started to like him again(this is the third time) and i yelled at myself that i can't lead him on so i blatantly said to him that i could not date him for a number of reasons, one being that he has a girlfriend, albeit in a very shaky relationship. He still likes me and he said the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me. "You know i like you and just want you to be happy". I almost cried.
I started talking to this other boy who asked if i was ok since i left early from dinner the night before and i said that yes i was but i know(did not say) that this wouldn't last forever and that i would soon plummet into another brief period of despair that will require all my strength not to do something harmful so i turn to candy and my best friend. this is a good time to turn to Him as well but sometimes i forget and i just pray that i can find the strength to keep going. my friends have not yet gotten tired of me but it has only been a month and although they are living with me, they have yet to see this once a month every month for a week at a time. We shall see.
my roommate who has become like a sister to me is leaving at the end of the semester but i know she is not meant for this type of college and will find it easier elsewhere. We will text a lot and she will come visit but it will be hard because she just listens and knows exactly what to do even though i may not know how to help her except for prayer.
This boy who i was talking to is scary but of course i like the usual bad boy and although he isn't religious and says he could never be i am praying for him and trying to help with anything i can. The sad thing is he likes my bff and she won't date him because of his wild antics that remind me of my ex in the slightest although more dangerous.
I have also been offered to move rooms into the room with my bff but there are several things to consider: leaving my current roommate, her suitemates are crazy but are toning it down, having my own room has it's upsides and i have started to get comfortable. this is a difficult decision and i can only hope that the decision i make will be the right one.

A New Clue

So i have been really homesick these past couple of days and the stress of school has not been helping. today it came to a point and i snapped. I started crying at dinner and left the dining hall to go back to my room. my bff informed me she would be stopping by in a bit to check on me(she is soo sweet i love her) so i got on my computer to look at a newly posted picture of this hottie on my profile and talk to my ex-boyfriend who is very helpful in these situations.
I was being particularly upset and mean but then my friend came on and he started talking to me; he found out i was upset and came up to my room to comfort me. I regretted immediately asking him to because the second he walked in that door i knew i would regret it but i still said yes because something told me to. he knocked on the door and i opened it. he had a serious face and put his hand on my shoulder as i headed back to my room and got on my computer. I told him what was wrong in a roundabout way and started to cry. He put a hand on my shoulder and i leaned against him. he was serious and not kidding and silly which made me happy because i didn't think he had the ability to do that. I told him i didn't want to go to my club meeting tonight and he said i should but would i break down in tears if i did? i told him i might and he said(not teasing or anything which still shocks me) that we should wait 30 min(that's when it started at the time) and then see. I ended up going but he just held me and didn't say anything and i gained a whole new respect for him as a person because i didn't think he knew how to treat girls or how to be serious and mature but he does and i like this new side of him.
I also grew in another step to loving Him more because he brought me this peace with my friend and it calmed me down. i remember stopping as my ex was trying to help me and asking myself why i was resisting change and maybe i should go with it even though i have failed before. God wouldn't always let me fail because He loves me too much so i turned my mood around and it worked so i am grateful to him for that. Thank you Lord

Weekend of Adventure

so my roommate has observed the fact that i was slowly going crazy on campus because i had not gotten off of it for a single weekend in the month that i have been there. She took me home to her farm and i am grateful for the everyday monotonous drum of family life compared to the crazy phsycho beat of college life. It's not even my family but it's comfortable.
She showed me the farm during harvest, the gathering of the crops, the storing of the crops and the storing of the hay. We then hung out with some of her other family who still live around here(wish my family were that interconnected) and it was a blast because i miss my family and it's comforting to deal with adults other than the ones who work at the cafeteria or as professors. The farm also reminds me of missouri where i sometimes go to visit family and see the miles and miles of corn and bean fields before arriving in a city where family is. I can relax here and not worry about being perfect or trying to impress boys or any of that other drama that subconsciously gets under my skin at school. I have been invited to come back in two weeks and i just might if i don't have a problem writing my english paper. sweet sweet second home!

Another Hill

So yesterday was scary but my roommate saved me. Bible study was super fun but after, my emotions plummeted so i went to bed...today was good...had calculus that actually made me feel like a smart kid and so did my ENTP 100 class and my team is awesome! i found out i am more of a nerd than i thought i was.
Dinner was the best because i joined this club for manners and etiquette for gentlemen and ladies and the boys were really sweet for the most part. this one guy is gorgeous and a sweetie! We talked and they are so much fun to be with. While talking to them, i was thinking which one i would like better and it is hard to decide when most of them wouldn't have an interest in me. This is my current predicament and i just keep going hoping for some let up in this burden. I decide it's really not worth the trouble of getting upset over so i try and stay focused and happy on the more important things in life like my family who love me and support me and how understanding they are. I am such a spoiled child and i realize how fortunate i am to have the life i have because of Him and that lifts my spirits. I just hope it helps when i am pmsing and they plummet and i have no control of them. That is when i had to deal with it on my own but since coming here i have friends who are very understanding; more so than my high school friends which is very helpful.
Meeting all these gentelmen is very refreshing and it makes me vulnerable because i have never met one of those so i am weak for them but i have to maintain control even though i want one soo bad.
I hope i can make some headway...

Blahville

so today was not fun but successful. i went to math to be confused again and have it make sense, spend 30 minutes trying to find my study session's room only to find i didn't do all the homework. I do it all and get stuck on the extra credit because it will help the grade that will inevitably fall after not turning in the homework. Go to my bff and get helped out and have everything make sense. go work out to relieve stress, have dinner and come back to my room. yell at my friend for being a dick, now i want to see people but i don't want to.
I joined this new group on campus with this really cute nice guy in it who i know has already fallen for my bff(story of my life) and he is still nice to me(this always happens) so now i just wait til the next moment where i get to see his smiling face but most likely my bff will be there(ugh, not that i don't like her but she is his friend) i just want to kiss him soo bad but i can't. So i shall wait and see this one fall flat like the countless others...life is still good because at least i have one right? not to say my situation isn't bad because it involves matters of the heart but other people have it worse so i will stop comiserating and live it up, adios!

Confused

Each day back home was predictable for the most part; nothing ever really happened that wasn't expected. That was before college...Now everyday is something different and it is excited yet horrifying. The unexpected usually happens in the evening/night. Friday night I went and got ice cream with Jodi and we were both upset but we went and wandered the dorms and found some people to hang out with which was fun. Last night I flipped out after my friend's suitemate had been smoking pot and the smell made me sick so i left. She was very upset and i feel bad but i can't be a bit difficult sometimes. You have to understand that I just needed to be in my room where i was comfortable and could process this new piece of information. I knew people smoked pot and it never bothered me but suddenly with the smell i longed for a cologne or a familiar smell so i went back to my room. my friend didnt understand and was very upset but i could not stay there. She probably hates her suitemate because of what it made me do but things just worked out like that and nothing will always be perfect.
I did what i had to do to feel alright and that's all i can say. If i hurt Taylor's feelings, then im sorry but I can't guarantee that i won't do this again. I flip out for what most people would call unnecesary reasons but to me are very big deals. I don't have many close friends for this very reason...they get tired of my 'antics' and become my friends but dont ever get close to me because they are tired of dealing with me. I have a very patient sister and right now i have a very patient roommate named Jodi who is not hurt by me because she knows what im going through or at least knows that i can't just brush this off like other people can.
Today i'm going to church where there are families that will make me jealous of mine that i can't see but it's alright because He is looking out for me and will protect me....Thank you Lord

Busy Bee

So I've been trying to stay busy and it's been easy since classes have started up again and my roommates are back because we can go hang out and go to the gym. I did do something pretty epic last night. My roommate and her friend went to a place called Entertain Mart which is like a huge place with posters, cds, movies and tv shows and games. I got a Mustang poster! I also got a poster of some really cute puppies to decorate my room because my room still looked bare and now it looks festive. After that store, we went to Spencer's in the mall and I bought a Disturbed t-shirt and a Bullet for My Valentine t-shirt which is pretty amazing because I also have an Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt from the concert and now I can support all of my favorite music groups.
This weekend is gonna be so much fun! I'm also excited for class today(yes i'm a nerd) because in my freshmen seminar(Be Your Own Boss) we have guest speakers on fridays when we meet for class and this week is management and sales. One guy owns a sheet metal business and manages it and i want to know everything because it isn't just another corporate job, it has some substance to it in my opinion. I have soo many questions for him i'm soo excited! His job is kinda what i want to do. I want to own a body shop to repair cars and that is management. I don't know what fascinates me so much about management but it's nice because i like to get things in order and do stuff like that, it sounds ideal to me and if you get the right job you get a lot of money. I plan to own and manage/co-manage my own shop which is gonna need lots of money to start up but i'm not worried because i can't be just yet since i have yet to finish my freshmen year and something else might come along or something; it just doesn't make sense to worry right now even with the bad economy because i have a long way to go before anything will happen with that. Have a good weekend!

A Productive Weekend

So i have one more day of my four day weekend and it has been a strange but awesome one. I thought i would not survive the loneliness and being homesick but i did. It's not like i can forget it but i have people here who care about me and are willing to help me out. My friend Hadley had me over and we made bracelets out of hemp and she prayed for me so that i may never lose my faith or doubt it enough to leave it behind. Faith is never permanent because humans are not perfect but i know that my love for the Lord will never cease no matter how hard things get and it is at those times that He carries me through. I realized that i don't need boys and will stop trying as hard because what matters now is my faith. There is a Bible Study today and im very excited for it. I get to go shopping with Hadley this week and i got to drive a car again yesterday. It's unfortunate not being able to drive because it's my release since i enjoy singing in the car. Tomorrow i think i get to test drive cars with my JTA Cheri. It's nice to have a girl who likes cars as much as i do and who knows them just as well. Go Ford! P.S. this week i gave a kid in my class a piece of paper when he asked for it and didn't have any.

Ephiphany

So saturday was very strange indeed. it was just another day...getting up early and doing homework. I went to breakfast with my RA and saw the group of boys i don't like but turns out they aren't mad at me anymore. i did some more homework and went and worked out which felt really good. after dinner, i decided to go and read my Bible outside because i felt something tell me to, perhaps He was telling me to so i just listened. I read it and then i went to reading my book that told me to read my Bible. I stopped and thought about something. I am going to try a new style, more relaxed and less prissy. My inspiration is my friend Hadley, she was there when i was having troubles and she offered me every oppurtunity to hang out and talk about the stuff i was having questions over. she is taking me off campus so i can breath. She is the one who lent me my books that are absolutely amazing! She is just so relaxed and happy which i want to learn to adapt to. I am going to go shopping sometime with her hopefully and get some new stuff but just be more relaxed which is very hard for me because i'm a very stressful/stressed person but i have been learning how to relax more. I just feel that this is a sign from God that Hadley was sent to me and help me confirm and grow in my faith.

Calm Waters

so after yesterday's multitude of hate and anger i went to hang out with my friend Hadley and she made everything better. We had Chipotle, it was amazing! She lent me some books to read about Him and i started one...very good! I'm soo excited to read them all! So i was chilling in my room and i get this text from sam(jodi said he would text if he still liked me) he thought i was mad at him but i wasn't and we talked everything over.
He is too forgiving because he understood my finicky self and wasn't mad that i kept changing my mind even though he thought i would change back to liking him but i know i won't. That makes me feel bad for him because he was willing to wait for me to change even though i would have mostly likely changed my mind back to not liking him. That is desperation if i ever saw it, and it's sad.
Well i'm going to be going to a friend's house for the long weekend because i need to get off of this campus and recoup for the following week. I'm very excited because i barely know these people yet they have opened their home to me and are very friendly. I'm excited to get to know them and become closer to them because i am really only close to about 5 people right now and i want more friends because i am no longer scared of people as i used to be. Off to my weekend after classes today...wait only one class! woohoo

Thrown for a Loop

So today started out good and ended up horribly but with a sliver of hope. Breakfast with the Sam cuz i didn't get to see him after i fixed my computer yesterday(yes windows is bad and sent out a crappy update that screwed up tons of people's+mine computers but it's fixed!) and after that i had to deal with IT and get my wireless fixed that they messed with in the first place so i'm officially smarter in the way of computers but am never going back to IT for any help unless i forget my password.
So i was missing him all day long and i suffered through classes and when i was hanging out with him, i wanted to kiss him because that is the deciding factor for me and after like an hour, i was interrupted by Taylor(love you!) calling me to let her in to the building cuzs she forgot her ID lol so i tell her and she lets me go back to his room. I finally get the guts and kiss him, but it was awful. I knew immediately that i would have to stop what i had restarted which is painful because i don't like hurting people who really haven't done anything wrong but i hope that He can give me the courage to deal with it correctly although no one is perfect.
So i go to the Navigators' meeting and when we start singing, i break down into tears because i realize that my mom could come up to see me this weekend but i told her not to because 1) i would rather go to see her and 2) i thought i would be spending it with the boy but that crashed and burned. So now idk what to do and i just dread this weekend but now i'm starting to cry so i change the subject...
I made another friend who i hope is a true friend because she has not freaked out about who i told her i truly was and she understands that right now my faith in Him is shaky because i don't want to worship him but i want to have that want...i just don't right now and it upsets me because it's just not there and i can't explain it. I am questioning my faith and it's hard but i just need to wait for it to decide itself i guess.

hello world

so now i have a new boy predicament. the one i like has bad breath and bad B.O. but i met a new boy who used to date my bff and he is awesome! he is cute, works on cars, and likes the same music as me. he is also really friendly but still practically in love with taylor which is unfortunate. i'm not mad at her because it's not something she can control but i hope to win him over somehow even though she says to focus on sam. sam is here, Theron is not but theron is clearly the better choice. I know that God has a plan for this and everything will work itself out somehow and i will be ok in the end but i just have to sit and wait which always bugs me because i have no patience. I hate being alone for long periods of time because all these people at college are soo much fun i want to continue to hang out with them. God, please help me and guide me down the path that you have planned for me.
People always manage to surprise me, there are soo many boys i can barely make a decision...that's why i have friends to help me and more often than not tell me what to do (thanks taylor). I come from a small private high school where i attended school for 7 years so there were no boys and now that i've come to this huge school by comparison, i am overwhelmed(agobiada) by the multitude. of course i know who seems to be promising, solely eye candy, tools, pot heads, creepers and categories that i don't care about. I just want to be able to distinguish and sometimes i judge people before i meet them and have a chance to reevaluate my decision. I am so far making the majority of good decisions but hey, no one's perfect and we do make mistakes. not being under my nice comfortable shelter has led me to do some things i would have normally thought about first but i returned safe and learned to think and not just go crazy because i will not become a college stereotype of the bad sort. This is thanks to the wonderfully stupid people who have given me examples to stray from and i hope that since my room mate is as wonderful and supportive as i could hope for that she will help me in staying mostly on the right track while also experiencing life outside of my previous small world.

College life thus far

college has been amazing and not what i expected. I was soo bored this summer waiting for college to start and when it finally came it was more than i could have hoped for. Right now im trying to control my upset stomach because it doesnt like anything i eat these days(i swear i'm eighty years old with the way my stomach acts). i have met a cute boy who i passed on the first go around and now im rethinking him after not seeing him for awhile and detouring into what turned out to be a dead end street.
Turns out, i had high standards that weren't going to be met. I had an idea of a boy: goofy enough to make me laugh, romantic enough to make me cry, exciting enough to never make me bored, yet patient enough to handle me. I have not found a guy like that who is a hunk like the magazines tell you, but i have found one who is promising to be very similar. I was looking in all the wrong places when what i wanted was right there in front of me and it took him not being there in my time of need to realize how much i needed him. granted, his roommates are not the nicest of people seeing as how we didn't meet on the best of terms, but they seem nice enough to be civil so i can look past that and focus on this. He is newly single(one of the other factors triggering my turnaround) so i'm going to try my best to win him back after i pushed him away. Wish me luck!